Love them, hate them, you can’t escape them: They are your exes, and they helped shape the person you are today. Inevitably, the new people you date will want to know a little bit about them—but not too much.
There’s a difference between “past experience” and “baggage.” Experience is good—as any employer will tell you. And hopefully, your past dating experience has taught you some valuable things about how to be a good partner, and what to seek in a partner. But if your past loves are getting in the way of your ability to move on, date other people, and have a great life, then you’ve got to make some changes, because nothing will scare off a promising new date like the ghost of romance past. Here’s a quick guide to common types of problem exes, and how to handle them with your new dates.
The still-friends ex. It’s rare, but it happens. You decide to “just be friends,” and it actually works. But your former flame-turned-friend will unnerve any new people you date. Let them know about your past, so that it doesn’t come up by surprise sometime, but make sure your current love knows you have no “feelings” left for your friend. “We went out on a couple dates, but decided there was no spark whatsoever, even though we got along great.”
The amazing lover. So you had a wild time between the sheets with this ex. But obviously, out of bed, things weren’t so hot. Things are going great with this new person you’re dating, so don’t wreck it by mentioning your sexy ex. Nothing takes the air out of a relationship like a comparison to someone else—especially where intimate matters are concerned.
The glamorous ex. Yeah, so you went out with a super-model or a rock star or a local celebrity a few times. But things didn’t work out, and now you’re with a real human being. But your glamorous ex may cause your new dates some insecurity. They may wonder if they are as cool or as attractive as your ex, and worry that they don’t measure up. Remind your real-life love of this: “Things didn’t work out with the ex for real reasons. Things are working out with you for real reasons.” And never compare the two.
The dangerous ex. An unlucky few of us have an ex we wish we’d never met. Stalkers, jerks, or just plain crazies, these people taught us what not to look for in a date. Hopefully, you’ve taken measures to minimize any contact with unsavory people from your past, but in all fairness, your new date needs to know about them, for safety’s sake. This skeleton in the closet has the potential to sabotage your new love, so be careful. Describe the relationship and the person: “It’s totally over on my end, but s/he has some problems, and couldn’t let go easily. I think they’ve moved on, but if we ran into him/her sometime, I have to warn you.”
The ex you’re still in love with. Two words, my friend: Move on. Life is too short to waste more than six months pining for a love that didn’t work out. There are too many great people who are looking for someone like you right now to spend any more time looking backward. Yes, love hurts, but don’t let your old loves hurt your chances of finding happiness with new people. Take a solo vacation, run a marathon, get in therapy—do whatever you need to do to clear the plate. No date is going to want to hear that you are still hung up on someone else, so make sure you aren’t.